Ah yes, soccer. A demanding physical sport forcing you to be in prime condition and ready to sprint, sweat and bleed for your team. Unless you can get away with just acting like someone hit you because then you get a free goal. I prefer American sports where human refrigerators run full speed into each other until they're brain damaged enough to run for office. I'm not impressed unless my man's walking off the field trying to remember his wife's name.

Best wishes to all the teams playing their hearts out at the world cup in Qatar right now, and even better wishes to any women traveling or living there. From what I understand, the world cup is supposed to be about soccer yet every time I try to google it all I get are news stories about gay people going to prison. Maybe if Qatar didn’t have enough slaves to build a second United States of America, people would be more focused on the game itself. But as it stands, I hear they’re holding the next world cup on the top deck of the Amistad. I’ll tell ya what, that fuckin stadium got built so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if it gets its own episode of Ancient Aliens, the only show that operates on the theory of “what if it wasn’t slaves?” But it was definitely slaves.

I don’t know where Qatar got all the money to bribe FIFA into letting them host the most popular sporting event on the planet considering how much the royal family spends keeping their kids out of jail for treating real life like a GTA game, but what I DO know is they spend even more money bribing police to look the other way while they have drunken gay sex with each other. By the way if you’re from Qatar and you’re trying to figure out who left this comment, my name is Ted Cruz and I live in Texas